Real Talk Star Signs

Whether you think Astrology is bollocks or if you won’t even leave your house in the morning without consulting Astrology.com, no one can resist being briefly defined by their star sign. People love a label, which is why it now takes thirty seconds longer to get your morning coffee in Starbucks. I’m Lisa, the flat white (a complicated, high maintenance drink, apparently).

Astrology isn’t just the domain of dodgy tie-dye wearing hippies who definitely need to wash their hair. It’s an ancient science used for thousands of years to predict and categorise seasons and the various effects of the earth’s journey around the sun, and is actually the basis of all the world’s religions.

But you didn’t read this to learn about the history of Astrology, did you? You want the dirt on what your sign is and why this makes you fabulous and unique.

So, without further ado, I give you your defining astrological moment. Just without all of the nonsense.

ARIES (THE RAM)

Like the animal you’re named after, you lead with your head – usually straight into the nearest wall. With a tendency to rush full throttle into life, head first without pausing for thought, you’re extremely accident prone. In fact, you’re probably nursing some sort of injury right now. The great thing about this, though, is that you most probably acquired your injury base jumping in New Zealand or indulging in a bit of parkour. You’re one of life’s daredevils, and sometimes this lands you in casualty. More often than not, you’ll struggle on, dragging your half severed limb behind you (it’s just a flesh wound).

Why you’re an asshole:

You steadfastly refuse any sort of help (see above), which is extremely irritating. You see, other people actually like to help. Especially trained medical professionals. It makes them feel useful. You can also be a bit of a judgmental dick. Sorry to break this to you, but you don’t always know better what others should be doing/thinking/eating/wearing. You also can’t stop talking. Shhhhhh now, people are trying to sleep.

TAURUS (THE BULL)

Like your name sake, you are a beast. I don’t mean you’re overweight (although with your love of any food consisting almost entirely of saturated fat, you bloody well should be). What I mean is, you’re strong. Strong in head, heart and body. You don’t trust easily, but when you do find someone to believe in, you have a tendency to stick the object of your affection on a ruddy great pedestal in the sky and throw cash at them. Sadly, no one’s perfect, and when you discover that the idol you’ve been worshipping also does poos you get all upset and have an existential crisis. Until someone puts a plate of food in front of you and you forget all about it.

Why you’re an asshole:

You need to learn to share. The world won’t implode if someone touches one of your lovely things. Stop being a dick about it. You also care way too much what people think of you. No one cares. Enjoy the anonymity and stop trying to keep up with Kanye. He’s a bell end any ways.

GEMINI (THE TWINS)

Where do I begin, Gemini? Well, you’re just a big freak. No one will ever really understand you because you don’t understand yourself. There’s just too many of you. But that’s also what makes you awesome. Geminis are happy to talk about just about anything. That’s because, being the ultimate personification of multifaceted, you have thought about pretty much every topic, from every angle, and are therefore very interesting. You also have a child-like quality to you, which many find appealing, and love a gag/prank/jiggery-capery/tom foolery (insert various other Victorian words for having fun here). Geminis have a reputation for being two faced, but this is not correct. Actually, you just can’t make your mind up about anything. But that’s just because you’ve considered all the angles, and then got bored and decided to glue someone’s phone to their head, rather than form an opinion.

Why you’re an asshole:

The word Moody doesn’t even begin to describe your rapidly cycling bipolar disorder, and when it comes to empathy, you’re virtually psychopathic. You know those picture cards they use to help people with autism recognise emotion in human faces? I think they should also be distributed to the friends, families and significant others of a geminian. People have feelings, stop stamping on them, dickweed.

CANCER (THE CRAB)

Like a crab, cancerians can be hard on the outside, but are soft on the inside (armadillos!). If you were born into the sign of cancer, you’ll most probably spend most of your time worrying and taking care of people, and worrying about taking care of people. It’s just what you do. Cancerian people spend a whole lot of time worrying. Let’s get that clear. When you aren’t doing that, you will most probably be found cooking or doing sex. Because you’re petrified of getting hurt, you can come off as being a cold hearted dick head, so you’ll find people don’t trust you. The cold hearted guff is just a disguise so others don’t take advantage of the sex and cooking stuff. Once someone has proven themselves worthy, they’ll get plenty of both, whether they want it or not.

Why you’re an asshole:

No one asked you to pick up their socks and make them steak tartare. Stop being such a martyr about it. Passive aggressive doesn’t even begin to describe you. If you want someone to pick up your socks and make you steak tartare, you have to ask. Don’t do it for others and then huff and puff when they don’t realise this was a real-time demonstration of your needs. Also, you’re full of shit. You’ve told so many whoppers, I bet you don’t even know what’s true any more do you?

LEO (THE LION)

Congratulations, you’re the king of animals, and don’t you know it. Leo’s love a bit of attention. Life’s one big party with you – you big haired drama queen, you. Friends and family are extremely important to you. This is because they provide not only the party, but also the audience. Not to say that you’re selfish – you are right up there with our Taurus buddies when it comes to thoughtful gifts and rallying round with a bit of moral support and whatnot. But no one could ever accuse you of being low key. Even if you try and pass yourself off as bookish and quiet, you secretly see your life as a movie with you in the starring role, and have the ability to create a massive drama. Even if there is none, no one’s interested and everyone’s gone home. You’re funny though, I’ll give you that. And you’re popular. Because other people see you as free street theatre.

Why you’re an asshole:

Keep your opinions to yourself please, Leo. You think you’re too cool for school. But I’ve got news for you. You aren’t. Also, if you do something nice for someone, let the little smell your own fart smugness be enough of a reward. If the recipient doesn’t repay you by performing a one man rendition of I will always love you on the kazoo, you don’t have to excommunicate them forever.

VIRGO (THE VIRGIN)

Virgin! Ha! Don’t make me laugh. You’re filth, but in a good way, honest. If you’re a Virgo, you probably spend a very large portion of your day worrying. Things you’ll worry about include: this mole is definitely cancerous and I am definitely going to expire shortly, that last acid trip I did is almost certain to trigger dormant schizophrenia, and is getting sexual enjoyment from cutting my toenails normal? Virgos struggle with social situations a bit. This is because you have an ongoing internal battle between the importance you place on social etiquette versus your desire to tell it like it is. Usually the latter wins victorious, which can piss people off, but actually most people secretly very much enjoy your witty quips and dead-on insults, and wish they had said it first.

Why you’re an asshole

Despite your open, cutting criticism of anything non-perfect in others, secretly you’re a dirty slob and you live in a hovel. Also, your foot lives permanently in your mouth. You have the perfect knack of saying the exact thing you shouldn’t say, thus offending everyone in the room. I don’t think this is accidental.

LIBRA (THE SCALES)

Librans can usually be found propping up the bar, indulging in a mass debate and putting the world bang to rights. Being right is ever so important to you, although you’d prefer to call it righteous. There’s a thin line between justice and judgement, and libra folk walk this tightrope every day. When you aren’t judging/defending people, you’ll be found admiring beauty in its many forms. Mirror shades were made for you, you big pervert. Libra people hate their own company and also hate large groups. Basically, if you are a libra, you want a partner in crime with which to do absolutely everything with – all the time, forever. This is great in the movies, but not very realistic in every day life; what with people needing to go to work, wash, sit on the toilet, and various other personal projects they’d rather do solo. The ultimate romantic, you do everything in your power to make life a feel good 80s movie for you and yours.

Why you’re an asshole:

I know you love your partner in crime, and want to be Thelma and Louise or Bonnie and Clyde or whoever, constantly together, on the run, having an adventure. As such, you probably haven’t noticed that you’ve smothered the other person to death and have been driving around with a corpse in a headscarf for three weeks. Also, you need to iron your clothes, or ideally buy some new ones.

SCORPIO (THE SCORPION)

You’re an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle, hidden in a mystery, within a dream, within a dream, within a Snickers wrapper. So deep are Scorpio people, they should travel with their own lifeguard. You probably have a significantly quirky way of dressing and thinking, and love nothing more than weirding people out. Scorpio is the dark side of the zodiac, masquerading as a happy fun time. This is because all scorpios have an almost fetish like love of getting people completely battered and taking them on nights out so extreme, they rival anything Hunter S Thompson could feebly label an adventure. You’re also more than a bit risque and it’s safe to say you have sexy time on the brain pretty much 24/7.

Why you’re an asshole:

I know little Johnny took your troll pencil topper when you were seven, but you can stop plotting his torture and subsequent death now. You have a massive chip on your shoulder (it’s actually more of a baked potato) and need to learn to let go. Seriously, woe betide anyone who slights you (even slightly). Just like that scene from Goodfellas, a Scorpio will kiss you on the cheek and then execute their revenge, leaving nothing of their enemy behind but a quivering, fetal wreck, who’ll be in need of therapy for the rest of eternity.

SAGITTARIUS (THE ARCHER)

Sagittarians are life’s knights in shining armour. You love to do things such as Go Forth! and Hazaah! Dynamic and adventurous, you have a tendency to rush into situations without feeling them out first. This also goes for people, as Sagittarius love the drama of being in love, and are really, really good at it. You literally invented sweeping people off their feet. That said, when it all goes tits up, which it does 76% of the time – it goes badly wrong. Sag (can I call you sag?), you’re the most fun to be had out of twelve, and it’s a roller coaster ride of massive highs and dismal lows. But you never like to do things by halves.

Why you’re an asshole:

You’re such a whirlwind that you tend to leave a bit of a mess in your wake, consisting of various friends, relatives, lovers and people who were just going to the shop to buy a paper and got caught in the crossfire, all sort of piled up in the street, bloodied and dirty, wondering what the hell just happened. Take five, breathe, and make a list. You’ll be doing all of us a service.

CAPRICORN (THE WEIRD GOAT/FISH THINGY)

For such a strange looking astrological sign, you’re very… Normal. Everything about you is normal and correct and as it should be. You’re diligent, hard working and polite. Some might say boring, but actually that’s not the case, for Capricorn people have a lovely, bitchy sense of humour. That spot on humour with just enough self deprecation. That’s because you’re ever so humble, despite being irritatingly good at everything. You’re not the wildest person in the world, but you definitely have your moments. Usually when you’re rebelling against being so bloody normal.

Why you’re an asshole:

Because you have traditional values, you can be horribly judgmental. Especially against your nearest and dearest, from whom you expect nothing but absolute perfection. This is because you’re long overdue a holiday. I recommend Magaluf, Las Vegas, or Miami during Spring Break.

AQUARIUS (THE WATER BEARER)

You’re a weirdo. But you won’t mind me saying that because you loathe conformity. Aquarians love their buddies. Like LOVE them. Gregarious Aquarius is the accurate description, and you love nothing more than collecting oddballs for your lovely tribe of people. You also love to shock, which is why you don’t get invited to many dinner parties. You like to think that you’re challenging people’s perception and broadening their minds, but deep down you know you shouldn’t have dropped the C bomb on aunty Enid. You’re normally to be found looking attractive, whilst staring out of the window thinking thoughts and being profound, and that.

Why you’re an asshole:

You’re very opinionated, and that can sometimes come off as pompous on a good day, and lunacy on a bad day. Do yourself a favour and lay off the vodka when you’re feeling a bit ‘soapboxy’. You may also be suffering from ADHD.

PISCES (THE FISH)

Annoyingly good looking, that’s pisces. If you’re a fish person, then you will suffer from a bleeding heart. For the uninitiated, this means that Pisces love a person with a problem. Can’t do enough for them. The trouble arises when you can’t find someone with a problem, which causes you to create one for them. Then you get to solve it. You’re very changeable, and have eclectic tastes, which you are unashamed of. People secretly love this about you because it makes them feel more comfortable about themselves, but also causes them to keep you far away from the music at parties.

Why you’re an asshole:

You like to be seen as everyone’s best friend, but you can be a bitch! You know what I’m talking about, there’s nowhere to hide in zodiac land. Play nice with the other signs, please.

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7 thoughts on “Real Talk Star Signs

  1. So right, apart from the need to let other people talk. I’m an Aries and am aware that I jump into things without really thinking (and usually end up paying the price), but it’s such a difficult habit to stop!!

    Like

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