With so much in the media right now concerning disaster and war (or more accurately, warmongering), it seems like the perfect time for a little light relief.
So let’s talk about your favourite body part, and mine: bums.
Bums, bottoms, derrières, asses (if you’re a yank), arses (if you’re a Brit), tooshes, booty, backsides. We all have one, and let me tell you: bums are HUGE right now.
But when did the transformation from normal-sized bums to super-massive spaceship bums happen, and why?
It’s not unusual for different body shapes to come into fashion, and in fact pretty much every body shape has enjoyed it’s time in the limelight.
The folks around the time of Rubens loved a bit of jelly to jiggle, and the Pre-Raphaelite lot enjoyed a pear shaped lady with nice hands. In the 20’s it was fashionable for a woman to look like a bookmark, in the 40’s the shape du jour was the hourglass.
In the noughties, Jennifer Lopez was mocked at award ceremonies, during stand up routines and on the TV for having a big behind, but (and that’s a big but), she looks perfectly proportioned by today’s standards.
Something has happened in celebrity land, a round pink memo being shared in secret, that if you want to be sexy, you need, not just a huge bum, but a super-massive intergalactic space toosh, complete with its own orbiting planets.
Welcome to the era of the Freakishly Large Arse or FLA.
Kim Kardashian is a prime example of a lady who has gone from pleasingly round to grotesque parody. Looking at her reminds me (alert: post generation X’ers and non UK residents won’t get this reference) of a Sketch comedian Kenny Everett used to do, where his behind got bigger and bigger. It’s a joke, and I imagine must make it quite laborious for the poor love to winch herself out of chairs.
Nicki Minaj is another prime example of cartoon like proportions, and in fact I blame naughty Ms Minaj for this global trend.
Don’t get me wrong here. As a proportion, this look is preferable for girls like myself (who got double helpings when god was giving out butt cheeks), and far easier to achieve for most women than the 90s trend of massive, balloon like boobs, and no hips or bum whatsoever.
However the thing that worries me is when people start to surgically alter themselves to fit with whichever shape is in fashion at the time. This approach didn’t work too well for a lot of women in the 90s and early 00s (cough, cough, Katie Price), who’ve had that many implants and reductions that their poor puppies must resemble leaky bean bags.
Nope, once again, if you are hell-bent on making it impossible to stand up straight or buy jeans, the best route to a round rump is exercise. The most popular girl on Instagram, Jen Selter, has a lovely big bum, and a glute-heavy workout plan to boot(y). Going au naturel is the only sane method in my book.
After all, I know how hard it was just growing my eyebrows out after over-plucking them for two decades. Imagine the state of Kim’s bum skin when in two years time the fashion is for skinny bums and legs, and she has to have whatever the hell they have shoved in there removed.