Narcissistic , potentially psychotic, and let’s face it – mad as a box of frogs, the crazy-haired, ruddy faced, angry little imp that is Donald Trump would make a fine imperialist dictator, the likes of which the world has never seen. But what might a Trump-led dictatorship look like?
On declaring himself The Great and Magnificent Emporer Trump, and renaming the country The Imperial States of Trump, I imagine the first item on the agenda would be a smidge of racial cleansing. Colour charts would be issued to law enforcement agents to ensure the skin tone of all Trumpians fit the government approved hue. Sanctioned shades would be somewhere between ‘Farmer’s Daughter’ and ‘Raw Pork’.
Sales of self tanning products and solarium use would plummet, however the cosmetic industry would recover their losses due to the massive increase in demand for total sunblock. Anyone displaying a complexion more olive than a slice of gammon would be bundled into meat trucks and dumped into Mexico immediately.
Once Emporer Trump was satisfied that his great nation consisted only of the pink-skinned variety, he would commence The Great Wall-In. Reaching a colossal mile in height and a quarter of a mile in width, and stretching across the entire southern end of the continent, The Great Wall of Trump would be visible from space.
Of course, not wanting to be overshadowed by ‘a bunch of yellow commies’, Trump would have to ensure his Great Wall was greater than the Chinese one. This would be achieved by the compulsory construction by all Trumpian citizens of their own mini-walls around their homes. This would effectively create 136 million new states.
Next on the agenda would be to ensure that all Trumpians were sufficiently tooled up. Each child would be issued with a 9mm Beretta from kindergarten age, and strict search procedures would be implemented in schools to ensure all students were properly armed. Failure to trigger the alarmed metal detectors would result in immediate suspension.
Citizens aged 16 or over would be legally obliged to carry no less than two concealed weapons and all homes would be required to install a minimum of four anti-aircraft missile launchers.
Of course, in the beginning, The Great and Magnificent Emporer Trump will be requiring a kick-ass propaganda machine, so he’ll recruit Katie Hopkins as his head of communications. Ms Hopkins would be tasked with ensuring a constant flow of hateful, racist bile is spilled from all media outlets. Fox News’ programming would remain unchanged.
Donald Trump takes a great deal of care over his famous hair-do. Perhaps in the first few years of his dictatorship he would insist that all male citizens emulate his look as a mark of respect. Therefore, ‘The Donald’ would become a compulsory, government issued hairstyle, administered to all male US citizens from birth. Those who deviated from adopting the ‘do would be forced to labour in the Trump wig factories, skinning foxes.
Of course, women would not be exempt from ensuring all Trumpian citizens presented the correct appearance. All female citizens would be forced to wear ‘The Ivanka’ beehive from birth, and would be issued regulation DD breast implants on their 13th birthday.
There would be a weekly weigh-in as well, conducted by door-to-door ‘Fat Regulation Officers’. Any female who’s weight deviated from the approved 120 pounds would be arrested immediately on the grounds of gross indecency and shipped off to labour camps, manufacturing and carrying vast quantities of bricks for Trump’s wall companies until they were skinny enough to be seen in public again.
Sadly, the Dictatorship couldn’t last. The expatriation of nearly half of the original citizens who were not pale pink enough, the decimation of the population caused by constant warring between the millions of neighbouring states (known simply as ‘Neighbours’, pre-Trump), and the volume of Trumpians recruited to the myriad brick and wig factories, would create a huge workforce deficit, plunging the Imperial States of Trump into a massive famine and subsequent civil war, until there was no one left.
Finally, Emporer Trump himself would pass away, all alone, in a bunker created entirely of never-ending walls. Increasingly puffy and bloated from a toxic combination of steak, anger and self-importance, he would eventually disappear into his own distended neck fat, never to be seen again.