How to create a kitten-proof Christmas

Kittens and Christmas go together like horny male cows and the John Lewis glassware section. 

To be fair, cats neither understand, nor care, about the concept of Christmas. They will, however, sense that this weird festooning of your home means something to you, and must therefore be destroyed.

Having recently acquired a kitten who manages to be both incredibly wiley and a fucktard of the highest proportions, I have had to conduct extensive research into how to kitten-proof my Christmas decorations; I will now share my findings with you, including what really works and what doesn’t work for shit.

The Tree

I’ve always found the concept of erecting a tree inside your home as a means of celebrating the supposed birth of Christ a bit weird. But, as with so many things in life, you just kind of have to play the game or be labeled a freak. As such, the tree is going to be the centre piece of your festivities.

All of the websites with anything to say about cats and Christmas trees advise going for a fake. This is because cats are naturally both aggressive and greedy, and will therefore want to eat it. I don’t know what effect eating plastic will have on our little gannet, however pine needles are definitely toxic to cats. Avoid.

One website recommended wrapping the base in tin foil. Apparently cats don’t like the feel of it and it puts them off climbing the tree. This tip doesn’t work for shit. My kitten ate the tin foil, and went on his merry way.

Another site advised spraying the tree with citronella. Due to the appalling first-world conditions I live in, all I had to hand was some Neal’s Yard deodorant. I wouldn’t advise using this because A, it retails at around a thousand pence a bottle, and B, my kitten ate it, and went on his merry way.

I then had to spend approximately two hours researching the toxicity of each and every essential oil housed in said spray. 

Basically, you have to accept that when you put a tree, covered with jingly shit, in your house, you are essentially creating the ultimate cat toy. Asking a cat not to climb a tree covered in jingly shit is like asking a starving lion to share a cage with a plump gazelle and play connect four.

Something that is worth considering is what you use to decorate your new giant cat toy. 

I purchased some paper baubles very cheaply from Satan’s grocery emporium (Asda/Walmart). Whilst the crinkly sound they make drives my furry friend crazy, I can at least rest easy knowing no real harm will come to him if one drops on the floor, or if he eats them.

Disclaimer: I’ve never combined paper baubles, fairy lights, and kittens teeth before and I can’t vouch for its safety. I therefore accept no responsibility if you try this and your house burns down

I also recommend choosing lights which have the bulbs contained within some sort of plastic or metal housing. Listening to your kitten chewing a tiny glass lightbulb is a sure-fire route to a twitching eye which may last the entire holiday.

It’s probably about now that you’ll want to start on the Baileys.


Whilst your kitten destroying the tree is unavoidable, you can thankfully keep the remainder of your decorations intact if you follow these simple rules. 

When choosing what to decorate your house with, go for decorations which are either soft or solid. For example, you can create a lovely Scandinavian winter wonderland effect by going for solid wood ornaments, and liberally covering every lounging surface with fake fur and knitted throws. 

They look really cozy, and provide a comforting zone for you to cry in.

You’ll also want to consider height. If you have any shelves that your kitten hasn’t managed to scale yet, you can use them to attach strings of lights to. 

Wherever you might have used garlands or baubles or any other decoration your kitten will inevitably ruin, replace with lights. This will, however, extend the time it takes going to bed by approximately thirty eight minutes. But you’ll be keeping Duracell in busines, so that’s good.

I also found some rather attractive lights housed within a cloche from John Lewis. If only they made cloches Christmas tree sized, we could spend all of the festive break watching, bemused, as kitty launches himself at the tree, only to be repelled by a slippery force field. 

That’s my kind of Christmas entertainment.

Definitely avoid tinsel. It’s dangerous if cats eat it, and it looks shit.

It goes without saying that any candles you burn should be housed within something sturdy. I’ve had three cats during my adulthood, and the last two both sniffed candles whilst they were alight. In many ways cats are incredibly intelligent, but they have no common sense whatsoever.

These canal house candle votives looks suitably festive, and will keep your furry fucktard from melting his snoz.

So, now your house looks like a Nordic elf cave, you can sit back and relax to the soothing sound of your kitten going spastic in the tree, probably poisoning himself with plastic and overpriced organic body spray, whilst numbing the pain of your shattered nerves with your thirteenth bottle of Baileys, happy in the knowledge that in just twelve short months, you can do it all again.

Merry Christmas!


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